Six months? Has it really been that long? It doesn’t feel like it. It just doesn’t feel like it’s been half a year. Half a year has always dragged on much more slowly for me. But, sure enough, the last time I wrote about Kimberly, it was exactly five months ago, after we had been together for one month.
Any period of time feels like an eternity when it sucks. And any six months of my life has invariably felt like an eternity. Late 2012 as well as all of 2013 were particularly bad, for various reasons. And you’d think now would be even worse. I mean, school is sucking even harder than ever. I lost a major scholarship this semester after having failed statistics and linear algebra. I’m getting more and more fed up with formal education by the minute. It feels like I’m getting a math degree with a little CS off to the side. I’m never going to use any of this. I code on a daily basis, and have never needed math beyond algebra once. And it feels like this useless math is consuming my entire life. On the surface, it seems my life sucks more than ever. I feel like formal education, which consumes way too much of my time, is thoroughly useless to me, and it’s just a hoop I have to jump through to get a job. I’d do anything to not have to deal with it anymore. My life is a living hell. Nothing’s going right. Except one thing. The most important thing. My life sucks, yet it couldn’t be any more perfect.
My whole life, I had been searching for something. Something that, for 21 years, I never had. I had nothing to live for. I could be in a crowd of strangers or even friends. But the reality of the matter is, I was still alone. Anyone who knows me knows that I’m weird. And most people don’t even know how weird I am. What I needed? Someone who loved me despite the fact that I’m weird. Possibly even insane. And on April 2 of this year, I met such a person. Someone who not only loves me despite my weirdness, but maybe even for it. I could sense it. Never before had I had such a feeling when I first encountered someone that they were different. Like… down to the core. Different. Have I had a feeling that something about someone was different before? Yep. But this was something else entirely. In the moment when I read the message Kimberly sent me on reddit that day, I could tell that she was completely unlike anyone I’d ever met before. It was something I’d never felt before. It’s something that a person gets to feel once in their lives, if they’re lucky. Some may never get to feel it at all. It’s the feeling of having met your soulmate. It’s possibly the only time I’ve ever felt something in my life that could be described as magical. I’m not talking about some fake-ass Disney World thing. I’m talking about a truly surreal experience. I don’t even know how to describe it. You wake up, thinking you’re about to add another mundane, pointless day to your mundane, pointless life, not realizing that today is finally that day you’ve waited for when your life changes. Make no mistake, April 2, 2014, was the single most pivotal day of my entire life.
Fast forward to two weeks later, exactly six months ago today, at roughly the time I published this post. As the result of an exchange that I, of course, made insanely awkward and weird, Kimberly agreed to be my girlfriend. So began a chapter of my life that would take me months to understand. I can still vividly remember the awkwardness with which I filled that entire moment.
For the last six months of my life, Kimberly has meant everything to me. I’ve gotten what I’ve searched for: Something to live for. No longer do I feel alone or like my life is meaningless. No longer do I wake up and think, “So begins another mundane day of my mundane life.” Formal education is still the bane of my existence. But now, I finally have something in my life such that the good outweighs the bad. I live for the days, though rare, when our schedules align so I can travel to see her. And last time, I finally got to experience my first kiss (yes, at 21, but we made up for it…). And on May 29 of this year, I had the honor of being able to attend her high school graduation.
As a person, particularly for most of 2013 and early 2014, I was broken, to say the least. Something had happened to shatter my faith in all of humanity. I hated everyone. I believed that everyone, if not flat-out and openly awful, was a flake who would do nothing more than abandon you before long. Thank you Kimberly. Thank you for showing me that not everyone is like that. I realize it must not have been easy. I mean, you’ve somehow put up with me almost every hour of every day since we’ve met. I can’t imagine that as being even remotely easy, but somehow you pull it off.
I can’t imagine not having you in every moment of my life. And I don’t want to. We’ve spoken in almost every hour we’ve both been awake, and I’ve seen you on Skype almost every day since April 16. When I had to deal with just about everything in my life being uprooted during the summer, in a sense, you were all I got to take with me when I left all else behind during that time. Everything was a disaster, yet I was still happy, since I still had the only thing that mattered in my life.
I wish there was something I could give you that showed you how much you meant to me. Unfortunately, I don’t think anything like that exists. That thing was certainly not those Town of Salem coins I gave you earlier. Please don’t think it’s that. You mean more to me than that. You mean more to me than anything I could ever give you.
I guess what I’m trying to say is this: Kimberly, nothing else in my life has ever really meant anything. The last six months have been the only ones actually worth living for me. And you’re the only reason for that. I only wish there were something I could do in return. I love you.